I was 11… by Adi Weiss

When it happened

            it changed my life

            it made me hate myself 

            it made me hate the world.

 

He was forty-two

            a family member

            a husband

            a father.

 

After it happened

            they told me it didn’t

            they told me to forget it

            they told me I would get over it.

 

But if perchance it did 

            it was my fault

            I was being a tease

            I led him on.

 

I was 11.

 

He knew I wouldn’t tell

            but he couldn’t deal with what he did

            he committed suicide the following week

            and I was blamed.

 

I felt guilty

            ashamed

            targeted

            alone.  

 

But I did not feel sorry about his death.

 

I was 11

and I didn’t get over it.

            

I was in pain

            physical

            emotional

            and oh, the guilt and shame.

 

There was blood

            lots of pain

            lots of loss

            lots of tears.      

 

But it didn’t happen

            it was all in my imagination

            I was making it up

            at least that’s what they said.

 

Since it happened

            I was afraid all the time

           jumped at the lightest touch

           had few dates and even fewer relationships.

 

I couldn’t trust

            I couldn’t feel

            I couldn’t get close to anyone

            I couldn’t love.

 

They no longer said it didn’t happen

            now they say it wasn’t that bad

            and thanks to me

he’s been dead for a long time.

 

But now I can say they were and are wrong.

It happened.

It hurt my heart.

 

The damage was so bad

there would be no children

no survivors

             no progeny.

I would be no one’s ancestor.

 

Then something changed

            something with nothing directly tied to me

 

An eighty-year-old woman spoke up

            about a sexual assault of many years ago

            a sexual assault by a famous and powerful man

            a sexual assault by a man with many followers.

 

I found the strength to learn to trust

            to feel

            to get close to someone

            perhaps even to love someone.

 

Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you for your strength.

Thank you for your courage.

Now I can tell my truth.

About the Poet:

Adi Weiss is a freelance editor. She lives in the mountains of Adirondack Park in Upstate New York (the real upstate).